Baby Steps...

It's been a week since I posted and I feel like a failure for more than just my absence from writing.

I've failed to stick to my diet.  I've failed to stop purging.  I've failed to be perfect. 
Baby steps, I try to remind myself.  Baby steps.  In the grand scheme of things, I've spent less money on binge foods, purged fewer times and fewer days during the week and consumed less on average. Still, it's not enough.  The little voice that tells me to binge and purge keeps whispering in my ear.  It's not some radio I can turn off or change the station. 

However, I try to find hope. The voice that says, "thinner, thinner, thinner" is becoming stronger than the one that says "eat, eat, eat," and "purge, purge, purge."

Of course, I need to find the root, the reason for the issues. I'm pretty sure, as I've suspected for a long time, my cycles are triggered by stress.  I think most people would be surprised by this observation. By all outward signs, I handle stress very well.  I excel in a stressful work environment, work well under pressure, and can juggle many things at once (I worked full time in college and still managed to graduate early).  But the tradeoff for this ability to keep cool in front of bosses, friends, and professors is the secret, self-destructive life I live somewhere between the kitchen and the toilet.

For example, this week, I had some unexpected stressors.   They were positive things, but stressful nonetheless.  I mentioned to my family I may be interested in buying my sister's car from her instead of her trading it in for a new one (yay four wheel drive!) The next thing I knew, I got a text message, "They didn't trade it in, you're buying the car."  I was both very excited and nervous.  The sudden change to my financial situation and worries about whether or not I would be able to get a loan to follow through, etc...weighed heavily on my conscience.  Between displaying my enthusiasm to my family and dealing with the bank, I didn't allow myself to feel my mounting worry.  Instead, I made pancakes. And more pancakes, and more, as if I could drown my worry and fear and shame for my inability to get a loan without a co-signer in maple syrup.  And then, plagued with guilt, I had to empty myself of the sticky sweet diversion.

I also started dating someone new.  It's exciting.  It's terrifying.  I'm trying not let myself feel, and yet, the more I try to deny my elation and fear, the more I turn to b/p to absorb my emotions.

Enough.  I need to remember it's okay to feel.  It's okay to be excited or worried or sad or happy.  Sure, I'll never be one to show the world what I'm thinking or feeling all the time. But I can hide what I'm feeling from others without hiding it from myself.

Baby steps. No more lying to myself.  No more denying what b/p does to my body. No more denying how the stress of ignoring my emotions triggers my cycles.  One step, one day, one feeling at a time.

Also, I need to focus on some of the positives.  I've met a guy who enjoys spending time with me.  I've bought a car I can take skiing and hiking and not worry about whether it will make it up the mountain.

These may seem like baby steps to some, but they feel like giant steps to someone who makes a point to remain aloof and distant from people, and who fears change and inadequacy as much as she fears body fat (I've driven the same crappy car since high school).

So I took a couple steps back this week.  I like to think I took a few more steps forward.

Keeping faking it,

JK